School Experience.

I haven't blogged down my thoughts in so long, i figured it was about time,
These last couple years of my life have been so crazy; let's reflect.

I left home to go to school when i was 17. It was definitely so much harder than i ever could have expected. Because it was a school that was associated with and run by my church ( The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints) i figured it would be a breeze and i would be safe and happy, man was i naive.

Let's be real, it was difficult. The first year was fairly good. I felt happy, healthy and independent of course i missed my family terribly, but i was growing and changing, i was becoming less shy and i felt good about all the progress i had made. The work was fairly hard; i had only taken college level courses in High School and the University i was attended was very prestigious ( Brigham Young University-Idaho). Going down there i literally knew no one. I cannot believe i wasn't more scared. Coming from someone who grew up in the same home my entire life i definitely was blessed and protected for making this decision. I still remember walking into my new apartment and seeing that the people were in their mid- twenties and i was very intimidated. considering i wasn't even legal yet i got super overwhelmed, and then the girl who i would share a room with came, and she was from Canada. This gave me such a peace, she would understand me in a way that the others' couldn't. She was my Momma Bear and i am still so grateful for her to this day. She helped me more than she will ever know <3


Then, since the school runs all year long, they have a track system to accommodate more students and i was on the track that went to school in the fall and spring, so i was home for the winter. I didn't know what to do, i planned on working and my Brother in Law called me one day seeking help in his dental office since one of his assistants quit, So i quickly flew down to there home and began working with him. that was a very hard time for him, work was very stressful and my sister was struggling with being in such an isolated town, so i was glad to be there so i could help and spend lots of quality time with my Nephews and Nieces. I've been blessed to spend the most time with them of anyone in our family and i have such a good relationship with them because of that. Well, the winter flew by and it was time for me to go back to school. It was bittersweet.

When i went back to school, things were different. I was older and slightly wiser, haha. But many things had changed with my roommates since i had been at school. My Momma Bear got engaged soon after the semester started which was so exciting for her, but a little scary for me since she was my person. But we actually had two other new roommates that semester that i grew pretty close too. In particular one who was struggling with some relationship things that i would talk to and try to help. We will call her S. S and i had a good relationship, we laughed and joked and had a lot of fun together. As the semester went on we got closer, and decided that when we were all back in the Fall that we were going to get a place together, i was so excited because i felt like this was such a good relationship and the start to a life long bond. Other than meeting S that semester was fairly hard on me, i had a really hard time being motivated. I always wanted to skip my classes, and i did quite often. Way more often than i should have and my grades suffered.

The semester ended and i was pumped to go home for the summer :) being home was always so nice for me. Then of course Summer quickly ended, and i was back to school again. I thought that the summer had cured me of not wanting to go to class and not wanting to do much. But i was wrong. It only continued to get worse. I would sleep all day and all night, only to be more tired, i rarely ate, and usually just forced myself too. I started lying to people about my classes being canceled, when i really just didn't have any drive to go. This continued from September till early November when i realized i couldn't handle it anymore and that their was something not right with me. I went to see my Bishop to see if i could get some answers. He spoke to me and made the assessment that he thought i was deeply homesick and referred me to go see the Counselors we had on campus to speak about how i was feeling and what was happening. I saw the Counselor the next day and spoke to him and told him everything that i had been feeling and experiencing and he had me take a quiz and noted that i had scored high enough on this particular quiz that he diagnosed me with Depression and wrote me a prescription and had me start taking something right away.
I was happy to have an answer. But devastated. I thought that i had done something wrong, or that maybe if i would have been more self aware that i could have prevented this. i was clearly very uneducated in Mental Health. The rest of the semester flew by, and i went home. I honestly remember being afraid to face my family, like i had somehow disappointing them. I think it was my own guilt for feeling so low, that i had been dishonest and i don't know i guess i was ashamed that i let myself get so bad. But i was quickly reminded of how unconditional their love is, and that none of this was my fault.

The Winter, and Spring flew by yet again. They each brought with them their own unique challenges. This time, i decided to stay at school for the winter, S really wanted me too and i didn't want to disappoint her. I had intended to find a job and do all these things, however i still didn't have much motivation and since it was winter by energy levels were so low. I ended up doing similar things that i had done in the Fall. Which was sleep all day and all night. It got so bad, that half the time i didn't know what day it was and had no sense of what was happening around me. S was also going through a hard time and our relationship started to suffer. She would say hurtful things, almost everyday and i would just shrug them off and excuse her because i knew she was suffering. It got really bad, and i couldn't handle being around it anymore. So i decided to go home for the remainder of that semester and just come back in the Spring. It felt great to be home, but i felt awful because i hadn't been honest with S as to why i left. I was too scared to tell her the truth that i straight up could not handle her anymore, so i said there was a family emergency, which wasn't a lie. Just a stretch of the truth.
I went home and was able to be around the people who truly love me and lift me up and i was feeling pretty good again.

Then it was time to go back to school, i was not looking forward too it. But that semester started better than the last few, i decided to change my studies, since i thought maybe that was why i wasn't wanting to attend my classes and i was really looking forward to starting my new course. Things with S weren't much better but i dealt with it. Slowly but surely i started to slip back into the old habits of what i was doing the previous two semesters. I got so mad and frustrated with myself. My counselor wrote me a note and exempted me from some of my classes since i wasn't passing any. Things had really escalated, for the worse. The rest of it is a blur, I know S and i had many fights and arguments and many horrible things were exchanged. Things just seemed to be progressively getting worse for me, and i was so scared. The semester ended and i was so happy to be going back home to get a break for the summer.

The Fall ended up being worse than i could have ever expected. My class attendance and motivation only continued to decline, and i was so sad because i thought i had figured out the cure to all my problems. Things with me and S were horrible. She was always insulting me and bringing me down, and i was not strong enough to stand up for myself in any way. I remember a lot of crying and a lot of visits with ( lets call him Bob). Bob was there for me when no one else was or could be. we had always been friends but i started to see him in a different light. The semester ended before i got the strength to say anything. I went home for the winter; and since that was the last semester for S i thought things would get better. I went home and worked for my Brother in Law again during the Winter, and i really dreaded the idea of going back to school. I loved the place and all but i was just so afraid that things would be bad.

Spring time came around again and I went back to school, This time Peaches came with me to come and visit and see where i went to school and meet my friends. We were already off to a great start. I had moved into a completely new place, with new people and i loved them already. Peaches left and i was still pretty good. I was attending my classes and things were good, Bob and i even confessed how we felt about each other and started dating. Then something weird happened. I started to want to sleep all the time again and i was so confused because i was happy, happier than i could remember being in a long time. Things with S were horrible, we were not talking and i felt okay with that at the time. I didn't want anything to do with her. I had prayed about all of my feelings and everything that was going on and i decided that i needed to leave school. I no longer wanted to get my degree from there. It was too hard, i had made too many mistakes and my grades and GPA suffered, and i just didn't feel right about it anymore. Now comes the biggest mistake i made. Instead of going home right away; i stayed to be with Bob. I was in love with him and totally blinded to what was really going on.

Bob and i had a lot of fun together and he made me feel things i hadn't felt in a long time, but there was a catch. He was waiting for a girl to come home from her Mission. He even told me this before we started dating, but i was so blinded and stupid that we dated anyways. We had some many conversations where he would talk about her and how good she was. I can't believe that i was okay with it and would sit there and listen. I clearly had no self esteem. We broke up a couple weeks before i was to go home. i was crushed, i had so many plans and ideas for us, i thought he was the one. Man am i glad that i was wrong. I came home and was such a broken mess because of everything that i had been through for the last 3 years. It was horrible. My Parents and my Peaches had no idea how bad things were until i came home. I never wanted them to know how i was really struggling.

Looking back on everything that i went through, i can honestly say that i don't regret any of it. Do i wish that it all happened the way it did? No. But i have learned and grown so much. I would not be who i am today without going through what i did. Are things perfect? No. I'll blog about my current situation soon.

Every experience that i went through has made me stronger, and if what i have gone through can help just one other person, that it was all worth it.