The Darkness

The problem with a blog is i always feel like what i write needs to sound good or be positive but that is definitely not how i feel lately. I recently was put on a higher dose of my anti-depressants and at first it was really good and i felt super happy and even had quite a bit of energy. But this last week has been dreadful. It reminds me of how i felt before i had a diagnosis.

It's like a darkness comes over you, and you just feel sad. I can feel it in the muscles in my face, they just want to stay down. I know it sounds weird and it's difficult to understand, but trust me living it is worse.

I feel like if i say anything no one will understand and i don't want to burden anyone with more of my problems. It is such a catch 22, i feel so lonely and i need people but it's impossible to understand if you haven't experienced it and it honestly gets so exhausting always trying to explain knowing it won't make any sense.

I really hope that it's just this week and that it will change soon. I hate this feeling, i go to sleep with it and wake up feeling the exact same if not, worse.

Depression and anxiety is the hardest thing. You have two things that just feed each other. I'm sad and lonely yet i get anxious about involving anyone else and how long this will last, and just a million questions.

It's hard to remember how much progress you've made in times like this, you feel like nothing has changed and that you're hopeless. Sometimes i don't even try and fight it, because you get so exhausted i even get physically sick with worry. I don't want it to last long.

Tomorrow will be better. Take it one day at a time.

School Experience.

I haven't blogged down my thoughts in so long, i figured it was about time,
These last couple years of my life have been so crazy; let's reflect.

I left home to go to school when i was 17. It was definitely so much harder than i ever could have expected. Because it was a school that was associated with and run by my church ( The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints) i figured it would be a breeze and i would be safe and happy, man was i naive.

Let's be real, it was difficult. The first year was fairly good. I felt happy, healthy and independent of course i missed my family terribly, but i was growing and changing, i was becoming less shy and i felt good about all the progress i had made. The work was fairly hard; i had only taken college level courses in High School and the University i was attended was very prestigious ( Brigham Young University-Idaho). Going down there i literally knew no one. I cannot believe i wasn't more scared. Coming from someone who grew up in the same home my entire life i definitely was blessed and protected for making this decision. I still remember walking into my new apartment and seeing that the people were in their mid- twenties and i was very intimidated. considering i wasn't even legal yet i got super overwhelmed, and then the girl who i would share a room with came, and she was from Canada. This gave me such a peace, she would understand me in a way that the others' couldn't. She was my Momma Bear and i am still so grateful for her to this day. She helped me more than she will ever know <3


Then, since the school runs all year long, they have a track system to accommodate more students and i was on the track that went to school in the fall and spring, so i was home for the winter. I didn't know what to do, i planned on working and my Brother in Law called me one day seeking help in his dental office since one of his assistants quit, So i quickly flew down to there home and began working with him. that was a very hard time for him, work was very stressful and my sister was struggling with being in such an isolated town, so i was glad to be there so i could help and spend lots of quality time with my Nephews and Nieces. I've been blessed to spend the most time with them of anyone in our family and i have such a good relationship with them because of that. Well, the winter flew by and it was time for me to go back to school. It was bittersweet.

When i went back to school, things were different. I was older and slightly wiser, haha. But many things had changed with my roommates since i had been at school. My Momma Bear got engaged soon after the semester started which was so exciting for her, but a little scary for me since she was my person. But we actually had two other new roommates that semester that i grew pretty close too. In particular one who was struggling with some relationship things that i would talk to and try to help. We will call her S. S and i had a good relationship, we laughed and joked and had a lot of fun together. As the semester went on we got closer, and decided that when we were all back in the Fall that we were going to get a place together, i was so excited because i felt like this was such a good relationship and the start to a life long bond. Other than meeting S that semester was fairly hard on me, i had a really hard time being motivated. I always wanted to skip my classes, and i did quite often. Way more often than i should have and my grades suffered.

The semester ended and i was pumped to go home for the summer :) being home was always so nice for me. Then of course Summer quickly ended, and i was back to school again. I thought that the summer had cured me of not wanting to go to class and not wanting to do much. But i was wrong. It only continued to get worse. I would sleep all day and all night, only to be more tired, i rarely ate, and usually just forced myself too. I started lying to people about my classes being canceled, when i really just didn't have any drive to go. This continued from September till early November when i realized i couldn't handle it anymore and that their was something not right with me. I went to see my Bishop to see if i could get some answers. He spoke to me and made the assessment that he thought i was deeply homesick and referred me to go see the Counselors we had on campus to speak about how i was feeling and what was happening. I saw the Counselor the next day and spoke to him and told him everything that i had been feeling and experiencing and he had me take a quiz and noted that i had scored high enough on this particular quiz that he diagnosed me with Depression and wrote me a prescription and had me start taking something right away.
I was happy to have an answer. But devastated. I thought that i had done something wrong, or that maybe if i would have been more self aware that i could have prevented this. i was clearly very uneducated in Mental Health. The rest of the semester flew by, and i went home. I honestly remember being afraid to face my family, like i had somehow disappointing them. I think it was my own guilt for feeling so low, that i had been dishonest and i don't know i guess i was ashamed that i let myself get so bad. But i was quickly reminded of how unconditional their love is, and that none of this was my fault.

The Winter, and Spring flew by yet again. They each brought with them their own unique challenges. This time, i decided to stay at school for the winter, S really wanted me too and i didn't want to disappoint her. I had intended to find a job and do all these things, however i still didn't have much motivation and since it was winter by energy levels were so low. I ended up doing similar things that i had done in the Fall. Which was sleep all day and all night. It got so bad, that half the time i didn't know what day it was and had no sense of what was happening around me. S was also going through a hard time and our relationship started to suffer. She would say hurtful things, almost everyday and i would just shrug them off and excuse her because i knew she was suffering. It got really bad, and i couldn't handle being around it anymore. So i decided to go home for the remainder of that semester and just come back in the Spring. It felt great to be home, but i felt awful because i hadn't been honest with S as to why i left. I was too scared to tell her the truth that i straight up could not handle her anymore, so i said there was a family emergency, which wasn't a lie. Just a stretch of the truth.
I went home and was able to be around the people who truly love me and lift me up and i was feeling pretty good again.

Then it was time to go back to school, i was not looking forward too it. But that semester started better than the last few, i decided to change my studies, since i thought maybe that was why i wasn't wanting to attend my classes and i was really looking forward to starting my new course. Things with S weren't much better but i dealt with it. Slowly but surely i started to slip back into the old habits of what i was doing the previous two semesters. I got so mad and frustrated with myself. My counselor wrote me a note and exempted me from some of my classes since i wasn't passing any. Things had really escalated, for the worse. The rest of it is a blur, I know S and i had many fights and arguments and many horrible things were exchanged. Things just seemed to be progressively getting worse for me, and i was so scared. The semester ended and i was so happy to be going back home to get a break for the summer.

The Fall ended up being worse than i could have ever expected. My class attendance and motivation only continued to decline, and i was so sad because i thought i had figured out the cure to all my problems. Things with me and S were horrible. She was always insulting me and bringing me down, and i was not strong enough to stand up for myself in any way. I remember a lot of crying and a lot of visits with ( lets call him Bob). Bob was there for me when no one else was or could be. we had always been friends but i started to see him in a different light. The semester ended before i got the strength to say anything. I went home for the winter; and since that was the last semester for S i thought things would get better. I went home and worked for my Brother in Law again during the Winter, and i really dreaded the idea of going back to school. I loved the place and all but i was just so afraid that things would be bad.

Spring time came around again and I went back to school, This time Peaches came with me to come and visit and see where i went to school and meet my friends. We were already off to a great start. I had moved into a completely new place, with new people and i loved them already. Peaches left and i was still pretty good. I was attending my classes and things were good, Bob and i even confessed how we felt about each other and started dating. Then something weird happened. I started to want to sleep all the time again and i was so confused because i was happy, happier than i could remember being in a long time. Things with S were horrible, we were not talking and i felt okay with that at the time. I didn't want anything to do with her. I had prayed about all of my feelings and everything that was going on and i decided that i needed to leave school. I no longer wanted to get my degree from there. It was too hard, i had made too many mistakes and my grades and GPA suffered, and i just didn't feel right about it anymore. Now comes the biggest mistake i made. Instead of going home right away; i stayed to be with Bob. I was in love with him and totally blinded to what was really going on.

Bob and i had a lot of fun together and he made me feel things i hadn't felt in a long time, but there was a catch. He was waiting for a girl to come home from her Mission. He even told me this before we started dating, but i was so blinded and stupid that we dated anyways. We had some many conversations where he would talk about her and how good she was. I can't believe that i was okay with it and would sit there and listen. I clearly had no self esteem. We broke up a couple weeks before i was to go home. i was crushed, i had so many plans and ideas for us, i thought he was the one. Man am i glad that i was wrong. I came home and was such a broken mess because of everything that i had been through for the last 3 years. It was horrible. My Parents and my Peaches had no idea how bad things were until i came home. I never wanted them to know how i was really struggling.

Looking back on everything that i went through, i can honestly say that i don't regret any of it. Do i wish that it all happened the way it did? No. But i have learned and grown so much. I would not be who i am today without going through what i did. Are things perfect? No. I'll blog about my current situation soon.

Every experience that i went through has made me stronger, and if what i have gone through can help just one other person, that it was all worth it.

Realizing You Want a Family.

I have always been the type who loves families. My family has always been the most important thing to me. I live for the memories and the moments that we share; but up until recently i couldn't imagine a family of my own.

I have noticed myself lately becoming more and more aware of the children and families around me. Everytime i see a kid i can't help but freak out. I am the happiest i have ever felt in my life and i feel like i am ready for a family.

Growing up in the Mormon culture i never wanted to be one of "those people" that married young. But my mind has been changed. Maybe because i have the perfect guy ;) or because i now feel those yearnings.

I can see myself being a Wife and Mother and that doesn't scare me anymore; it excites me.

Recently  i realized that i am in the wrong place. I am not in the right field of schooling and i will be heading home at the end of next month. This decision was hard and scary but i know it is the right one. I haven't been happy in that area for awhile; but now in my personal life i am the happiest i have ever been. Maybe because i am in the best relationship i have ever had, with my best friend.

But at the same time at any time this could all come crashing down and i may not be anywhere near wifehood or motherhood and that is okay; but i now know that i can do it and i am ready.

I used to have one big fear that i would get my heart broken again. ( The first one was awful) But with this one it was a risk i was willing to take and i don't regret it for a second.

If how happy i am now is even a little bit of what my future will be like; i never want to complain again. Love is an interesting thing. I am ridiculously and unreasonably happy ALL the time. I find beauty in things i normally wouldn't. It truly does change your life.

At the end of the day i am proud of myself for how much i have grown. I am 20 years old. Still young; but i feel prepared for what the future has in store for me.

To anyone unsure that they will ever find love again, or if you are lonely. I promise you it will all work out how it is supposed to. Be patient and work on yourself; It will all be okay. <3

When It All Goes Wrong...

This week was all about divorce, remarriage and the blending together of families.

Is divorce really so bad?

It depends on the situation. In most cases, you can work through it.

One of the most important things is to ask yourself if it is hurting the kids. When it hurts the kids; it is so important that you just deal with it in the best way.

We need to be sensitive to the needs of kids in and throughout the whole process and remain a family no matter what.



Triangulation- detour is when during a divorce you converse about one another to your children. This in general is not a good idea; you never want to involve your children  in your marital woes.


When both parents are fighting children lose valuable resources. It is impossible for them to please both parents and they feel very torn.

At times they will even use their children to fight. Tell your father this.....









The worst is that most children tend to blame themselves.
They feel like if they could have done something to change the circumstances their is a song by the artist Pink that applies to this. The song is called family portrait and i think this line perfectly illustrates the child blaming them self: Can we work it out? Can we be a family? 
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything 
Can we work it out? Can we be a family? 
I promise I'll be better, Daddy please don't
leave .
This shows how important it is to reassure the child that it is in no way their fault.

It is also hard for kids because they never get both parents at once and tend to lean more towards a certain parent. Their access to both has greatly decreased.

Boys tend to do worse in divorce, why would that be? I believe that is because as boys they are taught to be tough and crying is seen as a weakness whereas with girls it is okay for them to cry and they are supposed to show emotion.

In all, i think it is very hard when it comes to deciding to divorce and i think that we need to try all we can to make sure that we don't just let go and divorce. We need to work and fight for that relationship.




                                                                Which do we want?

Today's Parent

This week in class we talked about parenting!

Many of the things that we learned this week were things that i have learnt in a different class this semester. My parenting class! I have loved that class and i loved this week.

How can we be the best parent?
This is the question i ask myself. I am always worried about being a future parent and how it will affect my kids.
The main thing i have learned is how important unconditional love is.

Unconditional love is something that every person should receive. You accept someone for all that they are, all their flaws all their mistakes and your love never goes away.

This is something i have had the privilege of receiving from my parents. They were so loving and never have looked at me differently for anything that i have done. I am so grateful for them.

 I couldn't ask for better parents and a better idea of what kind of a parent i want to be in the future. The kind of parent that at the end of the day no matter what mistakes they have made, they can say that they tried their best and loved their child with everything that they had. Those are my parents and that is how i want to be.




Both of my older siblings are married and have children. My oldest sister Melissa, and her husband Voyle were married when i was 5 years old, so i've grown up having them as second parents to me and my younger sister. They have helped guide us and lead us in good directions. I am so grateful for them. They are actually the ones who gave me the idea to come to school and BYU- Idaho, and i am so lucky to have them on my team :) They are wonderful parents to their 3 kids, who i love to death. I want to take into practice how much they listen to their kids. They are so good and sitting down and listening to their kids days. I want to have the kind of relationship with children that they do with theirs.

My other sister, Amelia and her husband Terence are new parents to their daughter, Bridget. It has been fun  watching them learn how to parent. It has been really inspiring. They work together so well and are so kind and loving to their girl. I hope that when i am a first time parent i will have their patience and love towards each other and their child. Their example has meant quite a bit to me.

 I know, that parenting will be no easy task and i am gateful for all the many examples i have to follow. If i am even half the parent that they all are, i will be doing all right.

I love talking about families and i am so happy that this will be my future career. Much love! <3

Daddy Dearest

This week was talking about fathers. i really enjoyed it.






















My father has always been such a big influence in my life and i am so grateful for that. From a young age i was attached to him. My other siblings all look more like my Mom and i look like my Dad, and i always clung to that idea.

 With me and my Dad it has always been the everyday stuff that has meant the most, we have really good conversations and i just really enjoy being around him. He is someone i look up too and admire, in so many ways.

 Father's have such a big influence in the lives of their daughters. I know many people who have been less fortunate in the area of their father, and i know that i am only half the woman i am today, because of my dad.

 This week, i want to thank my Dad for all he has done for me. He is one of my Hero's, i love him dearly. There are no words to express how grateful i am for him and how much i love him. I hope to one day marry a man that is as good of a dad as he has been too me.

We ( my dad and i) already have a wedding song picked out . I loved her first by heartland, and i think the words are perfect for our relationship. love you forever dad. <3

This week we specifically talked about Mother's and Fathers and their roles in the home. I think it is important to mention that they work as a team and are best able to help children in that way.
 I also want to thank my Mother. She is such an angel in every way; she truly makes me want to be a better person. I love her so much and i hope to be even half the mother she has been.

Without the influence of both parents, i think that the family is not whole, I also know that giving up work to bear and rear children is not swapping your mind for a mop. I believe that you need to be educated in order to educate children. This week i learned a lot about myself and how i want my future family to be, and how i want to be in my future family.

I hope this blog has inspired you to think about what you want! :)

That's all for now, Untill, next week!!

How Important Is Communication?

Is communication important in relationships? This week we answered this question.  

If anyone has not heard of or seen the "Love Lab" Videos i highly recommend you go find them, they have changed my opinion greatly. These videos consist of a Doctor who talks to couples about the major "problems" in their marriages. The one that i viewed talked all about the couples finical struggles and how they didn't really listen to each other. It was very insightful

When it comes to communication  i always thought it was something simple and it's just easy. You just talk, that is how you communicate. But when i came to school here i soon realized that we communicate in subtle ways without noticing. I think that communication needs to be a conscious effort on both parties involved. If you care about someone i think that you should and would do everything you can to communicate with them.

We also read a talk by Elder Ballard that i think brought up some good points here is the link: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/strength-in-counsel?lang=eng 

I will just touch on my favourite parts of the talk.

What he mostly talked about was that the best way to get things done is to counsel together with people and work through issues through talking. This is what we do a lot in the church and i think that when we apply these things to our families, they are only strengthened.

All in all without communicating we wouldn't  get anywhere. So do your best to accurately communicate your true feelings to those you care about. :)